Yang Girly Girl

I like good salad bars. I don’t know if the stuff they put out there is as fresh as it looks because I’m sure by now someone has invented some sort of fabric softener that enhances the look and smell of fresh vegetables.

Speaking of fabric softeners, I bought a fabric softener called “Cashmere.” What does cashmere smell like? Doesn’t it smell like dirt, grass, and a foul bug that shoots juju out its behind? Okay, whatever, back to the salad bar. Now I’m whetting your appetite, aren’t I? But I digress, tangentially.

When I go to a salad bar, it goes something like this: after I load up my properly chilled plate with spring greens, I skip all the gooey stuff that looks like it will put me to sleep within half an hour of entering my gut. Then I get to the parts that are good for me. Once I’m at the end of my journey, I reach for the ranch dressing. My hand will stop in mid air. I’m thinking the same thing you are.

“Right, go ahead. Eat the healthy raw stuff and then chase it with a cup of liquid mayonnaise.”

Better thought makes me opt for a little olive oil and vinegar, oregano and rye croutons. Tastes like hell, but I’m getting my daily dose of those whole grain thingies. There’s also the added benefit of all those calories I burn picking caraway seeds out of my teeth.

It recently occurred to me that people are like salad bars, even the ones you’re related to (people that is). You can’t do anything about what they put out for you, so it’s up to you to take the stuff that’s good for you, and happily leave the rest behind. I find this approach works for most of the people in my life. There are of course exceptions, however.

I wholeheartedly indulge in some people. They’re like smorgasbords that I can’t get enough of. One of them is my friend, who I will call Chickpea, because that’s what I call her. Garbanzo beans are common at salad bars, but not many people take them. Why? They’re delicious, healthy, and married with a little olive oil and garlic, create something close to sublimity. I guess they look too healthy and too fibrous for most people.

When Chickpea expresses a thought, and she always has a thought, I’m entertained and enriched. Her thoughts are usually brilliant, funny, and non-toxic. She’s one of those enhancement people, the kind of person that makes me want to be better….all the time. She’s smarter than me and richer than me. And being shorter than me, it’s easy for her to point out with her finger a reminder to keep me from forgetting how great I am.

She’s a Yang girly girl too. She knows what it’s like to sleep with a Blackberry and a laptop. It’s a little lumpy, but it vibrates, and vibrates, and rings, and…maybe that’s why she traded her career for a real life….and real sex.

Then there are those that should be shut down by the Health department. The fare never changes even though you keep going back to give it another try. Eventually, you just need to find another salad bar. These people are so toxic that it’s best to run the other way when they approach. You could get food poisoning. Or worse, you could get assimilated.

All this metaphorical jive is just meant to give you a clear cut case of how to deal with people. We can’t do anything about the way they are or what they’re spewing. We can, however, do something about how we allow them to affect us. I’m learning that it’s easier to shrug off German potato salad swimming in fake bacon bits when it’s put there to fill space. It’s the same with negativity and resentment.

You know that the person who opened the box of potato salad and put it into a brightly colored container couldn’t care less whether or you take any of it. That’s why it remains there all day. I bet they throw a lot of it out. It’s the same with negative people.

They harbor their resentment inside a box with a Cheshire cat smile on the front of it and call it friendly or just being honest. Like the potato salad, it looks inviting, but one bite will tell you that it’s toxic. That’s when my salad bar prowess kicks in. Toxic salad bar component approaches.

“Have you heard the latest about the merit increases?”

“Oooh, you know, I really like that new shade of broccoli you’re wearing. What’s it called?”

“Oh, you like it? It’s organic. I wasn’t sure, but now that you’ve said so, I think I like it too. Thanks, now what was I talking about?”

“Raw mushrooms.”

“Oh, yeah, the portabellas. Well, when I was in Italy…..”

And so it goes.

We can’t do anything about why people choose the script they regurgitate day after day. We can’t do anything about their troubled youth, or their insane upbringing, or the fact that they’re dented. We’re all dented to some degree, and granted, some more than others.

We understand, we empathize, we offer solutions, and then we’re done. Some people don’t want you to tell them how to make things better, or how to be happier, or how to shrug off that guy in operations that threw you under the bus. They’re the ones that call out to you “take me, take me”. When you do, you suddenly find yourself feeling full, sick, and lethargic.

Wanna Alka Seltzer? It’s called changing the subject.

I keep them handy in my top desk drawer.

I can’t always avoid the toxic people in my life, but I can choose to focus on their good side. I might have to do something drastic like wear plaid and do some karaoke about the crowning of the 35^th Vice President in the company. I think everyone’s a Vice President. Recently I asked a colleague how he got to be Vice President of Asphalt and he said he suggested the title and they went for it.

Gee, maybe I’ll be Vice President of Ambient Lighting. Maybe it will enlighten the people in my head if I can stop them from dancing for one moment.

I’ll never stop eating at salad bars and I’ll never stop giving people a try. Sometimes, you find something different, something you haven’t seen before, something that you might want to try….something that creates such a memorable experience, you’ll want to go back again and again.

Salad bars aren’t just for grazing. They’re for learning about what works, what you connect to, and how unaffected you can be by leaving the bad stuff behind. Sometimes it tastes good, and sometimes you just have to take the Alka Seltzer and pray you never eat that combination again.

I love salad bars. I love people. Take the good, the healthy, and the fat free, and you can leave the Alka Seltzer behind.